Dec. 07, (PRINTWORDS NEWS)The latest news in the headlines has to be Tiger Woods. No, not for his birdies and the tees, but rather the women he has been laying.. sorry for the obscenity, but that is what he is asking for nowadays anyway.. The list is never ending.. and goodness knows how many more will emerge.
The first woman who surfaced in this list was Rachel Uchitel. A former Playboy model, she is hot, sexy and damned attractive, if not specifically beautiful. But then, that can be said of all of them. Whatever we say about the scandals that he is fostering, there is no denying the fact he sure has good taste in women. Also, they are all really, really cheap. At least by Tiger Woods standards. Come on man, this is hardly expected of a golfing legend.
The whole story would never have surfaced had it not been for Tiger Woods himself. He had been involved in a really fishy car crash. You see, his expensive SUV had crashed into a lamppost. The pictures are available for whoever has not yet seen them. I swear they are great. Some really smart newspaper had picked up the story from a really nice and innovative angle. Who knew that a tragic car crash can have such hilarious consequences, or rather, be the result of.
A few days after the crash, the particular tabloid had mentioned that the celebrated golfer had been involved in a steamy affair with Playboy model Rachel Uchitel. The next thing we knew, both the stories had been linked… and how!!! Apparently, Elin, the Tigress, had got wind of the news, and goodness knows how much more besides, and had started a fight with the Tiger. We understand, she obviously did not want to share her lair with anyone else from the jungle. She unsheathed her claws (she hides them carefully in her beautifully manicured hands), and scratched the Tiger in the face. The king tried to escape in his SUV, and wham!, hit the lamppost on the way in his hurry. When the rescue team arrived, they found Elin attempting to get him out of the car. Or that’s what she said. Methinks she merely tried to take him out so that she could go back to bashing him, and pass off the injuries as resultant from the crash. How else can the hockey stick in her hand be explained??!!!
Tiger arrived in public with the scratches on his face intact, and insisted that the car crash had imparted them to anyone who would listen. To be fair, no one did. The bashed-up-by-angry-wife story was way too juicy to be traded for anything else.
The story caught faster than swine flu, and soon, all the tabloids and gossip magazines were having boardroom discussions about it. But the biggest story emerged in the form of Rachel Uchitel, sorry, the saintly Rachel Uchitel, whose opinions about marriage, fidelity and celibacy really left us gogle-eyed. (Okay, leave out the last one). She stood up vehemently for Elin, saying she had done the right thing in confronting her husband. We have to take her word for it; it did not much look like a confrontation, to be honest, more like Elin was launching a homicide attack on her mendacious husband.
Anyway, Rachel said a lot of things that made her look like the epitome of virtue. Imagine the amusement and the bafflement when she suddenly did an about turn and proclaimed that she, too, indeed, had been in the, er.., arms of the golfer. Much ado about nothing, lady, we knew it already. Where there’s smoke there’s fire, and where there’s sex there’s Tiger!
Wonder what made Rachel suddenly emerge from her protective veneer of pseudo-sainthood. Maybe it was the fact that by this time, another mistress had arrived on the scene, hotter, cheaper and bolder. The name: Jaimee Grubbs. She proclaimed to have a torrid affair with Tiger that started this October, she didn’t tell us how long it lasted. Now she was the hottest catch…for the press. She divulged a whole lot of information, starting from how they met, which they did at a bar where she works as a cocktail waitress. She even promised that she had some voice-mails and messages- about 300 of them- still with her in case we did not believe her. Some of the sexts were leaked, and my, were they racy!!!!!! We can only give you a sneak peek.. for the real stuff, contact Jaimee.
In some of the messages, the sender gets real naughty. He is asking her to send him some naughty pictures…you know what he means, right? In one, he wishes to wear her out, and asks her how long she hasn’t been you-know-what. Now that’s enough. Can’t say any more, it’s called breach of privacy.
The point is, right after Jaimee came out with her secrets, Rachel decided to lift the curtains on her’s too. Limelight, anyone? She was scheduled to call a press meeting too, accompanied with her lawyer, but at the last moment, she called the whole thing off. Chickened out, I guess.
And then there came three more, in quick succession. Now this was getting tiring, keeping a list of Tiger’s ladies, and we feared we will run out of paper. The next lady who came in the confession box was Jamie Jungers. Now she was the prize catch. She works as a cocktail waitress at some a-dime-a-dozen bar at Las Vegas. Some reports claim that she worked for some organization called the “Trashy Girls”, luring customers to invest more in the casinos. Wow! Now that’s class! She too was scheduled to hold a press conference with her lawyer, but we haven’t heard anything since. We have only seen her photos in her MySpace and Facebook accounts, and by god, is she hot!! She claimed to have sex regularly with her celebrity fiancé in a California apartment while his rather ordinary counterpart watched her get seduced, helplessly. She was already engaged to him when she met Tiger Woods, reportedly.
Kalika Moquin surely called for some celebration in the Woods residence. When from all sides everybody just kept confessing their relationships with him, the marketing manager of “The Bank” came forward to say that she had a strictly professional relationship with the golfer.
And there came some more. Mindy Lawton, who came forward with a sad, sad tale. She admitted that Tiger has used her for sexual purposes only, complaining that they used to do it all over his house, but always left out the bedroom. And he liked it rough. The high point of the tale? While Tiger was busy aiming his stick at Mindy, Elin was preparing to give birth to their child. But he left out the bedroom. He did not want to sleep there with anyone other than the only lawful member of his harem. What integrity.
We finally come to the end of the list. For now, at least. The last woman we heard of was some socialite called Cori Rist. She is 31 years old, and is a regular at the high end clubs in Manhattan. So far, she has not said anything. The two have been seen together at times, allegedly. Now one thing can always lead to another, and when it comes to Tiger Woods, they doubly can.
As they say, hell hath no fury as a woman scorned, and Elin is a goddess. Even more, she is The Woman in Tiger’s life, at least according to the law. She was not going to let go that easy. She had already signed a prenuptial agreement with Tiger (beat that!) and now she happily enforced it. According to the agreement, Tiger would have to pay her a cool $5 million to keep calling her darling every morning. And another $55 to make her stay for the next two years. And a total of.. hold your breath.. $80 million to make that seven. Cool!!!!!!!!
So rests the story of the Tiger Who Strayed. But I have a feeling it’s not over yet. Call it intuition. Keep your eyes trained to this space. We’ll keep you posted. Till then, take a look at the Tiger Woods Christmas cards and Christmas songs. They are hilarious! And check out this last weeks Saturday Night Live show. It had a take on the domestic life of the golfer post scandals.
Related posts:
